How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
