whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
