It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
its liver damage thursday
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
