hotel room ftw
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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