His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
