You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
