you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
