there's paper in my vomit.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
dude. I can hear the air.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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