i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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