I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
