Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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