You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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