No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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