I'm eating all of the evidence.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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