I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
