I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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