Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
