she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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