hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
