They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
