So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
