you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
