I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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