Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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