The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
