I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Every concussion has its silver lining
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
