All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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