Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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