It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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