he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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