you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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