Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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