woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
