i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
