I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
