I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
