come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
True college students do jello shots in the library
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
