after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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