Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
