xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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