I want to have your abortion
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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