I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
