I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
