i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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