sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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