Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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