she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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