I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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