Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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