she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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