I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
