I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
