the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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