he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
