never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
