I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
