i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Is it penis luge time yet?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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