im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
