Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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