mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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