You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
