I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
