it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
