What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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