i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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