Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
