I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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