wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
