She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
last night I used snow as a chaser
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
