I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
