What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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